Picture courtesy of Norman Rockwell. Picture link.


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Mick Coyle


The joys of old age

It had been a hectic weekend, the children and grandchildren had now taken their leave, and the house reverted back to its predominantly lethargic manner.

  “In a way I’m glad that is over” said Susan “we can now get back to some sort of normality”

  “Sorry!” replied Henry turning his deaf aid up a couple of notches. Susan repeated herself and continued “I’ll put the kettle on and then we can reminisce”

As she walked past, Henry he gave her a gentle slap on the backside.

  “Honestly Henry! I really don’t know what’s gotten into you this weekend”

Susan was now 83 years old and Henry was 3 years her senior, this weekend they had celebrated their Diamond wedding anniversary and they were still so very much in love. She retuned with a tray of tea and a couple of Rennies, Henry had overindulged somewhat in the gaiety and vintage port and was now suffering the consequences.

Susan sat down beside her husband and started to finger thought the faded pages of an old photo album her daughter had retrieved from the loft. The first photo was of Susan in her early teens, standing in her father’s garden surrounded by a mass of red roses.

   “Remember this one Henry, the day we met, and I also remember it didn’t take you long to steal my rose” said Susan giving him a coy look.

  “I remember it well, Jane” he said as he repositioned his bottle bottom glasses while sucking on a Rennies.

  “Susan” she corrected him.

She always forgave him for the name oversight, and did not fear him guilty of infidelity but simply the onset of Alzheimer’s.

  “Yes! You never left me alone in those days, you wicked man” Susan getting a bit bashful now.

  “I remember, and I don’t want to leave you alone now, let’s go to the bed for old time’s sake”

Susan was quite taken back by this remark, “Oh Henry, it’s been such a long time are you sure you can manage it?”

  “I’m game if you are Doreen”

  “Well give me ten minutes to prepare myself” and off she went to the bathroom.

Susan sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her husband, twenty minutes went by, he’s probably fallen asleep, were her thoughts.

Then she noticed the landing light flashing on and off, “what’s the matter Henry” she called out.

  “Bloody stair lift has blown a fuse again”


  “Henry! We haven’t got a stair lift” she called to her husband who was now sat on the telephone table flicking the light switch on and off.

She went back to the bed room muttering to her self “it must be senile dementia”. 

A further twenty minutes passed and Henry eventually made the bedroom, red faced and wheezing slightly.

  “Sorry about that, Jean” he said as he placed a small tablet under his tongue “it’s the old angina acting up again”

He glanced at his wife, after all these years she was still the picture of beauty, he was the envy of lots of men. They kissed and cuddled for a few minutes then so provocatively Henry started to nibble her ear, after ten minutes Susan managed to dislodge his dentures from her sleeper.

He slowly started to undress his wife, and Susan feared he was getting a bit to aroused as he fumbled with her bra strap, then she heard him mutter “Chuffin Parkinson’s”

Susan took control and undressed herself and Henry.

He may be 86, she thought, but he still had a fine body, as they cuddled she ran her hands down his back this reminded her of her pedigree Shar-Pei, and he still had a sexy bottom, she seductively caressed his buttocks….

  “Perp!” came the sound of escaping wind.

They kissed and cuddled again, “What position do you want me?” Shouted Susan in his deaf ear.

Henry picked up a worn-out copy of the Karma Sutra.

  “We’ll try this position” he said pointing to what he thought was page 69.

After about 15 minutes of fumbling about, Susan decided this was not a good idea, Henry had got his prosthetic leg well and truly jammed in the bed head.

He finally unstrapped his leg which made his body unbalanced, he rolled on his back then fell off the bed, knocking over the bedside table and spilling a glass of Steradent on his new book “Clonic Irrigation for Dummies”

Further minutes passed, he eventually clambered back on the bed and finally mounted his wife, instantly Susan went blind as Henrys toupee fell on her face.

Henry entered Susan, or thought he did, the affects of the Viagra, his grandson Tommy had slipped him earlier had now worn off.

  “Never mind” Said Susan “I’ll put the kettle on, a cup of tea will do us both the world of good”    

  “That sounds like a good idea, Doris” said Henry half a second before he started to snore.


Copyright © 2007 Mick Coyle

The joys of old age, part two to follow shortly.